Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let’s be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

A lawyer seeks console from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive drinking. Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking." Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!" A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar. Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again." Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water." Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son." The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is wine.” Lawyer: "Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!"

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You’re crazy -- you’ll never be able to outrun that bear" "I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you."

The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100." That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?" "I didn’t recognize you," replied God.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer: Lawyer: "Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?" Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said "I'm fine!"